


Letters to Pegasus and Back

by lyonie17



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Community: apocalyptothon, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-27
Updated: 2009-07-27
Packaged: 2017-10-11 17:53:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/115150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyonie17/pseuds/lyonie17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney starts emailing strangers in an attempt to find a Wraith solution. See who writes back!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters to Pegasus and Back

  
  
14 July 25.42 PZT  
rmckay@lant.sys.mil  
to:11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com  
bcc:jshepherd@lant.sys.mil

Subject: Please Help.

To Samuel John Winchester, born Lawrence, Kansas, US, May 2, 1983.

I really really hope this gets through. I've been stalled on previous attempts by various persons, including a woman named Ellen who called me some very inventive names.

I first heard of you during movie night on base, when one of Shepherd's marines claimed that his uncle, a retired Gunnery Sergeant, had been trapped in a town by something that sounded like zombie/Stepford/cannibal demons.

Be that as it may, you are the next in a very long line of persons who have laughed at me, cursed me, and ignored me. The question that I need to ask you is perfectly serious, and perfectly imperative.

What is the best method of destroying vampires?

  
19 July 06.55 PST  
11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com  
to:rmckay@lant.sys.mil

Subject: Re: Please Help.

I'm really not sure how you got this email address, and I don't really care about your marines or whatever. If this is a joke, I will know.

Have you tried cutting their heads off?

  
18 July 09.27 PZT  
rmckay@lant.sys.mil  
to:11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com  
bcc:jshepherd@lant.sys.mil

Subject: Thanks for answering, at least.

We can't really get that close to them. They're not the "regular" kind of vampires, I guess you could say.

They consume human life force through an organ in their hands. Cutting their hands off only pisses them off really badly. I mean, cutting their heads off would maybe work, but there are a lot more of them than of us, if you know what I mean, so it's not exactly a feasible option.

  
20 July 15.18 DST  
11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com  
to:rmckay@lant.sys.mil

  
Subject: Re: Thanks for answering, at least.

Huh.

So, not a joke, not regular vampires, not a traceable ISP, your computer's date is wrong, what the hell is PZT, what else have you got?

How strong are your "vampires"?

Do they react/respond to light, fire, water, salt, iron, silver, blood, moonlight, exorcism, garlic, crosses, holy water, dead man's blood, mercury, virgins, or wooden stakes?

23 July 02.37 PZT  
rmckay@lant.sys.mil  
to:11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com  
bcc:jshepherd@lant.sys.mil

Subject: No equal exchange

Ah. I'm a civilian consultant to the military, I'm stationed on the other side of the dateline. I'm sorry, I really can't tell you more than that.

Our vampires, which are locally referred to as Wraith, do not respond to light, iron, silver, moonlight, garlic, crosses, or mercury.

The Wraith respond with annoyance to fire, water, and wooden stakes.

We haven't tried using virgins. They'll lick blood if it's presented, but don't seem to receive any benefit or damage from it.

Haven't tried exorcisms or holy water either. Our chaplains are Jewish and Mormon, so I question their access to the correct texts, but any assistance you could render in that quarter would be welcome.

When you say dead man's blood, what exactly do you mean?

22 July 04.56 MST  
11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com  
to:rmckay@lant.sys.mil

Subject: Exchanges are rarely equal.

Right.

It doesn't sound like virgins are going to be any use to you, at least as a weapon.

Try the attached rite on a test subject, performed by one of your chaplains. The pronunciation doesn't matter as much as the intent, tell them.

I'd leave items that annoy your Wraith out of the discussion.

Dead man's blood, to be exact, is blood from a dead person. A corpse. It must be drained from the body post-mortem, and is poisonous to any vampire I've ever dealt with. I'd suggest atomizing it in some form for mass distribution, rather than knife blade and arrow heads as I've seen used.

[rituale.romanum.exorcism]

  
22 July 25.11 PZT  
rmckay@lant.sys.mil  
to:11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com  
bcc:jshepherd@lant.sys.mil

Subject: We don't have any virgins anyway.

The exorcism had exactly zero effect, performed separately by either chaplain, jointly, or in chorus by all persons of faith available. The test subject was not impressed by what he called our singing voices.

Dead man's blood is a no-go. He asked for more, said it made him feel happy. Observers questioned whether a virus or other disease might be introduced to the blood, contaminating the drug, in effect.

Items that have had some effect so far include:  
P-90s with concentrated fire  
explosives in sufficient quantity  
direct lightning strikes  
direct head shots from extreme close range  
decapitation  
dropping a building on them  
explosive decompression after approximately five minutes of exposure  
We were experimenting with a medical solution for a time, a cure that turned the subjects human, but they slowly gained a resistance to the serum, and the scientist who developed it is no longer available to modify it.

23 July 00.43 PZT  
rmckay@lant.sys.mil  
to:11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com

Subject: FWD: from jshepherd@lant.sys.mil

Ineffective against codename Wraith to date:

  
small arms fire  
shotgun fire  
firearms other than fully automatic rifles on continuous fire  
all traditional methods of "vampire" killing  
curing the Wraith condition  
reason  
exorcism (Sergeant Kelly and Dr. Kusanagi have volunteered to attempt exorcism in the Roman Catholic and Shinto traditions, given time and supplies. This has been shelved for the time being, for lack of time and supplies.)  
dead man's blood  
vacuum for less than 30 minutes  
vacuum at all, they hibernate for extended periods, including thousands of years  
gypsy curses (PFC Djuric got the appropriate instructions and supplies from her great-aunt some time ago, after Michael's second attempt.)  
FWD ends

  
July 24 21.52 DST  
11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com  
to: rmckay@lant.sys.mil  
bcc: imp67@aol.com

Subject: Very little help, and my brother.

I have consulted some resources.

Honestly, I'm not sure that I can help you from my particular background, as your Wraith do not seem to be affected by any of the traditional measures.

I'm very curious at this point what WILL work, to be perfectly honest.

Speaking of perfectly honest - you're listed as posted in Antarctica, but your ISP is routed through a military server in Colorado and then dead-ends. Also, your emails are spaced at intervals of thirteen hours. Just saying.

Leaving that issue for the moment, here are some suggestions from my brother, who claims he's more hardware/wetwork oriented than I am. I'm pretty sure you'll have tried most of them already, but whatever, he's getting curious about my penpal.

machetes, with or without mercury/bioweapon/itching powder on the blade  
napalm  
hyperbaric chamber (for interrogation)  
silverplated bullets  
dismemberment  
lasers  
brain chips that cause massive pain impulses whenever the subject attempts to harm a human  
supersoldiers  
artificial intelligence  
aliens  
predators  
mirrors  
Ah, sorry, I think Jimmy, Jack and Jose were helping out a little toward the end there.

  
25 July 13.26 PZT  
jshepherd@lant.sys.mil  
to: 11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com, imp67@aol.com  
cc: rmckay@lant.sys.mil, rzelenka@lant.sys.mil, rdex@lant.sys.mil, temmagan@lant.sys.mil

Subject: McKay has a cold, and I've had to hack his email

machetes, with or without mercury/bioweapon/itching powder on the blade  
Only useful as weapons of desperation. Generally, you're dinner anyway, unless you're Teyla or Ronon.  
napalm  
Would be lovely. Care to send some? We don't have any way to manufacture it.  
hyperbaric chamber (for interrogation)  
Again, haven't got one.  
silverplated bullets  
Not worth the time; also, have no effect.  
dismemberment  
Obviously. Generally requires three to four butchers. Nobody has time.  
lasers  
Really?  
brain chips that cause massive pain impulses whenever the subject attempts to harm a human  
Once again, we require a simple solution that can be easily applied. We're short on brain surgeons.  
supersoldiers  
We've already got one. He's very good, but he can't do it all.  
artificial intelligence  
That doesn't work very well here.  
aliens  
What did McKay tell you, exactly, about our situation?  
predators  
Never mind that last. Maybe you should email when you're sober.  
mirrors  
Or when your brother is.

28 July 16.52 PST  
11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com  
to: jshepherd@lant.sys.mil  
cc: imp67@aol.com, rmckay@lant.sys.mil

Subject: Re: McKay has a cold

Sorry to hear that you guys haven't cured the common cold, since you seem to be pretty far ahead of the rest of us here.

I was interested to see that you seem to have expanded the clearance levels on my information. Guess you have permissions McKay doesn't. I'll leave it to you to inform your other friends.

I'll be a little more blunt with you than with McKay. It's difficult to impossible for me to give you any good advice without more information on your opponents and location.

  
27 July 26.03 PZT  
jshepherd@lant.sys.mil  
to: 11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com, imp67@aol.com  
bcc: rmckay@lant.sys.mil, rzelenka@lant.sys.mil, rdex@lant.sys.mil, temmagan@lant.sys.mil

Subject: Some information that may interest you

Attachments follow.  
[dossier-swinchester05021983]  
[dossier-dwinchester01241979]  
[mission-atlantis2004]

  
28 July 17.32 PST  
11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com  
to: jshepherd@lant.sys.mil  
cc: imp67@aol.com, rmckay@lant.sys.mil

  
Subject: Re: Some information

Following please find the text of a letter that arrived by owl approximately five minutes ago. Dean is pretty upset about the droppings on the Impala, I'm not too pleased about the bite on my hand, and it sounds pretty urgent. Your tab's getting a little high, buddy.

To Colonel J Shepherd, Second Senior Staff Quarters, Main Tower, Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy. Care of Samuel and Dean Winchester, The Impala, North America.

Sir,  
I write to you in the hope that you will accept my advice in the spirit which it is given. As a dear friend of my son Carson's, I'm sure you are aware that he and I remained happily close until his passing. He was granted a special permission to explain to his posting to me, through the kind offices of the Prime Minister and the Minister of Magic.

All of this to say, I am aware of your location, mission, and the difficulties you currently face. Carson had sent some samples to me, along with my birthday and Christmas presents, and I have been conducting some tests.

I believe that the answer to your most pressing question, how to destroy your famished adversary, lies with the careful application of a potion or concoction I have called Wraithex. It disintigrates the basic cellular bonds of the Wraith specific DNA, leaving them slightly altered, but basically human. They will need some care, if not to raid livestock and zoos, and should never be left to care for children.

Your secondary question, which I understand has been sublimated by the first as of course it should be, I'm afraid I have not the background to answer. With your permission and clearance, I shall forward the specifics to a friend of mine who studies this sort of technology.

Sincerely yours,

Minerva McGonagall

Postscript: Please pass on my regards to Mr. Dex. It was very kind of him to attend the ceremonies.

Is this chick for real? Also, sounds like she wants to turn your space vampires into regular vampires. Problematic, in our area, but perhaps easier to deal with for you specialized military types that live in the Pegasus Galaxy. Maybe you should have let Carson's mom know that we weren't cleared for Top Secret?

Whatever. Dean and I are off to another zip code. I'm sure you or Carson's mom will find us when you need us, or need mail service. Just let us know if the unspace vamps find a way to North America, will you? We'll take care of it.

  
29 July 00.17 PZT  
jshepherd@lant.sys.mil  
to: 11021983.Lawrence@gmail.com, imp67@aol.com  
bcc: rmckay@lant.sys.mil, rzelenka@lant.sys.mil, rdex@lant.sys.mil, temmagan@lant.sys.mil

Subject: Carson's mom, etc.

An owl? I'm willing to entertain new ideas, but I don't really have time for nonsense, unless it includes an effective weapon. Turns out McKay had some kind of exciting new plague, Keller's not optimistic about Ms. McGonagall's potion, and Teyla and Ronon are both on extended recruiting missions. Zelenka's willing to analyze a sample, if one is available, but I really have no idea how to get one from her to us. All suggestions are accepted at this point.

If you should happen to be in the vicinity of Cheyenne Mountain, CO, in the near future, see if you can find a man named Daniel Jackson. He'll tell you everything you never wanted to know about where I am, and what my mission is. Also he could probably pass on that package to me.

**Author's Note:**

> Dean's email address courtesy eighth_horizon@LJ.


End file.
